Come on GWR, your new found punctuality is ruining my fun

GWR: new-found punctuality
Shutterstock / Ceri Breeze
Joy Lo Dico18 May 2018
WEST END FINAL

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Dear GWR

I’d like to complain. You might have seen that a Japanese train company has had to apologise for setting off 25 seconds early, at 07.11 rather than 07.12. Passengers, punctual by nature, were stranded.

I’m now having the same problem with you. It regards my regular weekend trip to Stroud. The Sunday- night journey into Paddington had been a feat of imagination and endurance. Snow, bring it on. Engineering works — great. I will drive to a station an hour away and try to find another line into London. Driver shortages and last-minute cancellations — that’s just upping the challenge level.

I’ve enjoyed sitting on the floor of your fancy new trains with other passengers comparing notes on interesting journey routes. And that night in the snowstorm, when everything ground to a halt and platform attendants were shouting: “Try the train to Windsor — good luck from there.” Such memories.

So you can imagine how disconcerted I have been of late when I go to your Sunday schedule: no cancellations, just a long boring list of everything running on time. Indeed, one day you even ran extra services, on the hour, every hour.

This has caused a different sort of chaos: the chaos of choice. Should I take that 16:22, or hang out in the garden a little longer for the 18:22. Should I make a supper date in London that I have some hope of attending? Could I even hope for a “quiet” carriage that is indeed quiet?

Your new-found punctuality has robbed me of the drama of a Sunday afternoon and locked me down into knowable schedules. The thrill is gone. If you are going to run a reliable service, could you at least keep me on my toes by copying the Japanese train company and run a few minutes early, pulling out of the station as I arrive? Just for the adrenalin rush.

Yours,

A regular train traveller.

Let’s be more like the Norwegians

Jon Snow has taken a pay cut of 25 per cent to be “co-operative” after Channel 4 News revealed an 18 per cent pay gap. But there was another curiosity in this deal. Snow added that he was contractually obliged not to reveal his salary. Why would Channel 4 News insist on this?

During a phone call to a friend in Norway this week, he mentioned that it was compulsory for Norwegians to declare their earnings. This transparency was thought to outweigh envy.

As we are back talking about the Norwegian model of EEA membership, could we also discuss some of their other initiatives?

Does Trump hear Yanny or Laurel?

The nation woke up to a big intervention in the Yanny vs Laurel debate. The White House released a video of Ivanka Trump, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders and even the Donald giving their verdict. Trump’s counsellor, Conway, chirrups: “It’s Laurel, but I could deflect and divert to Yanny.” Press secretary Sanders deadpans, saying anyone who says they hear Laurel is carrying “fake news”.

Ivanka Trump
Getty Images

Whaddya know? The White House has a sense of humour. It also has serious social media tactics. Marrying the President with the biggest debating point in the world is viral gold dust.

This should also set us thinking. The soundwaves of the Yanny/Laurel tape might be scientifically objective, and yet we interpret them differently. Some will find the White House video funny, some will be enraged. Some of us will be liberals in our world outlook, some of us won’t. At least Trump unites us all in thinking he’s wrong: when he listens to the audio file he says he hears #covfefe.

It’s time for some selfie-awareness

The week is for Twitter. The weekends are for Instagram. Who knows how many hours dissolve flicking through your particular passion — food, fashion, or in my case trees. You will soon.

Instagram is about to introduce a new feature to tell you how much time you’ve spent on the app. Like showing the percentage of alcohol in your wine, the idea is you know how bad your screen-time problem is, how drunk you are getting on pretty pictures, how slothful you are.

If Instagram could also introduce an upper limit on the number of selfies millennials take, we could also solve the problem of vanity.

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