Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2016: The best jokes from the Fringe

If you're missing out on Edinburgh this year, don't fret – we've rounded up some of the biggest LOL moments

Edinburgh Festival is in full swing, with audiences enjoying – and sometimes enduring – hundreds of different shows a day. London is decidedly quieter, with comedians and theatre companies heading up to the annual jolly jamboree of performance. But you don’t need to feel left out.

It’s no joke to be missing out on the best comedy shows in the country, but for those who can’t be at the Fringe this year, we’ve rounded up the best jokes of the festival for you. Now you’re fully equipped to pretend you just got back from a cultured jaunt to the Fringe.

“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to a private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons

“I don’t run ever – even when I was a kid at school in PE, cross country for me was literally a walk in the park.” Sarah Callaghan

“It’s tough being ginger. But I know there are far more important social justice movements and next to them we are pale by comparison.” James Wilson Taylor

“I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we THEN yet?’” Paul F Taylor

“I hate double standards. Why is it that if I have sex with loads of women I’m a playa, but if a woman does it, she’s a lesbian?” Jack Barry

“My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.” Tony Cowards

Edinburgh Festiv-LOL: There's side splitting galore at the Edinburgh Fringe

“Sunday morning TV in this country might as well be called ‘White People Eating’.” Fin Taylor

“Neil Diamond is the perfect romantic troubadour. Even his name is a brief set of instructions for a successful proposal.” Simon Evans

“I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle feminism’.” Jenny Collier

“I was the prettiest, cleverest girl in my class. I was homeschooled.” Lou Sanders

“To give you an idea of the way my dad thinks, we were watching a documentary about Arthur Shawcross, a serial killer who got sentences to over 400 years in prison. He turned to me and said: ‘These days he’ll do half of that’.” Adam Rowe

“I’m afraid of walking past construction sites for a couple of reasons. One, that I’ll get cat called, or worse, ignored completely.” Felicity Ward

“My father had five children with my mother and five with someone else, because he believed in equality.” Njambi McGrath

“I’m not sure about legalizing marijuana. No conversation about someone who smokes weed ends in ‘and they got the promotion’.” Rory O’Hanlon

“I have the confidence to text a man first. And second. And third. And fourth. And fifth. And sixth. And seventh. Basically, till he answers.” Sofie Hagen

Edinburgh Fringe 2016 - latest reviews

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“Before I started on my food journey I wasn’t healthy at all. I never thought about what I was putting in my body. Which is why I got chlamydia.” Bella Younger

“There’s a common misconception that women try and change men when we marry them – that’s just not true. We just want you to be the people you pretended to be to get us in the sack.” Wendy Wason

“Apparently one in three Europeans are conceived on an IKEA bed, which is crazy because those stores are really well lit.” Mark Smith

“My show was going to be called ‘Oh no – my Mum was right about everything’ but she didn’t like the title.” Pippa Evans

“I’m voting for Donald Trump. Here’s why: I believe a violent revolution is coming to America. And I want a President who’s not going to be able to handle it.” Ari Shaffir

“You have two choices in life. 1) Raise a family so that when you’re on your deathbed, you’re surrounded by the people you love. 2) Don’t raise a family, and use the money you’ve saved to buy a really amazing deathbed.” Henry Paker

“I saw an article which said 16 year olds in Britain drink twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Of course they do, they were only 6 at the time.” Mark Nelson

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